Have you ever cried so hard for so long that your eyes hurt, your face hurts, your mouth is dry, and your brain refuses to process anything more complicated than allowing your body to curl up in a ball and moan?
Good. I’d hate to have to explain it to you in all of its gory detail.
My beautiful, brown, gentle #2 Son is in jail.
The very foreign-ness of that statement is incredible to me. It is, literally, akin to me saying something like "I have four daughters," or "Christmas is in July." It is wrong. It is what happens to somebody else. Yet, as my wise 14-year-old said, "We’re all ‘somebody else’ to other people, Mom. Right?"
I had to accept Gabe’s wandering lifestyle, the fact that he was content not to have a guaranteed place to lay his head every night, or wash his face every day, or even eat at least one meal a day. If he was OK with it, then who was I to tell him otherwise?
I had to be OK with hearing second- and third-hand about sightings of him: I was grateful, really, that I didn’t have to assume the worst had happened. Who was I to tell him that his apparent carefree lifestyle which included absolutely no responsibility was bound to end badly?
And the fact that he was back in Minnesota — back, even, in the County of the Mildly Mentally Retarded — yet still didn’t come see me was troublesome, but who was I to tell him to just come home, start over?
I’m no fool, you see. I know that people do not live — survive, even — without money. Not in freezing Minnesota in January, not when there is no visible means of any sort of income. I know that, but who was I to tell him he was headed for big trouble?
I’m no one, really. Except his mom.
Here is the headline that will tell you all you need to know: Six men charged with passing forged checks
The story that follows names my son no fewer than four times, from his charges of felony check forgery and aiding an offender; to the fact that he is address unknown; to the "anonymous tip that led investigators to the home where" he was; to his next court date.
The neatest thing about this is the fact that the stolen, forged checks came from his friend’s grandmother. The "friend" stole a book of checks from his grandmother’s house, and the rest of the thugs participated in the forging and cashing. The cashing part was #2 Son’s involvement. The total amount as of Jan. 10 was $2,525.68.
His father, I am told, plans to bail him out. I wish he wouldn’t, but I am nothing in this paradigm.
There are many, many bad — shameful — things about this story so far, and I don’t think I need to point any of them out. He has not contacted me, nor will he. If he knows nothing else in this world, he knows that I will not enable bad — let alone illegal – behavior. He will not contact me until he has found some sort of resolution to this, because I will not resolve it for him. Ever.
Please know this, because I know that Gabe does: I love him. Even more, I tough love him. I will never stop loving him. And I will never stop hating the things that he has done. I am ashamed of him, and ashamed that at no time in this whole ugly chain of events did he stop and say, "No. Not only no, but HELL, NO! I will not be a part of this ugliness. It is shameful."
I love him. And I hate that his youngest brother told me, about the brother he once wanted so very much to please, "He’s like a stranger now. Like he’s somebody else’s brother. It’s surreal to me."
I love Gabe. And I know that he will not be 18 forever. And I believe that he has the foundation to be a good man someday.
Someday, though, seems like a very long time away.
Today, I feel like no one. Except, maybe, a mother. And not a very good one, at that.
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Oh, Kay, I am so sorry… You aren\’t the only one that has had influence in Gabe\’s life.. quit blaming yourself. You\’ve taught him the right way, he\’s just choosing not to follow it right now. But you\’re right..you can\’t reward or accept that kind of behaviour. I hate that you have to go through this. But you will survive, and so will Gabe. Hopefully he\’ll learn some lessons..and hopefully it won\’t have to be the hardest way, just A hard way. I\’m saying a prayer for you to have peace. Let us know how it goes..
hugs,
Jean
My thoughts are with you – you can\’t put it off to being a bad mother………..18 is 18. They think they know it all and no one can tell them any different. I have an 18 year old. God. i WAS an 18 year old. They don\’t have brains!! not ACTIVE ones yet anyway! The LOGIC section hasn\’t finished growing yet!!! Sigh.
YOU know he screwed up, and so does Gabe, but…like the eternal optimist I am, I have to believe THIS could be the event that will help him get his life back on track. He\’s alive, and sometimes we have to just be…grateful.
Rough, Mama, rough……..you have my respect, and I believe in my heart you are dealing with this not only in the right way, but in the best way to bring him around, showing him by example what really matters and that your love is constant. I can relate a little, as my middle child, my son, now 25, is a marvelous young man who drinks way too much since coming home from Baghdad. How do I get him away from that crap? Afterall, I was an addict for so many years. Bad mom? Hell no! Human and growing? Smart mom! I will keep you both in my Reiki prayers.
heart breaking. I"m sending you Mom hugss
Hang in there Kay. The love is doing its work — even if it\’s unseen right now. It\’s coming back to you. Somehow. Someday. Lisa in Cloudytown
From Noanie,
Kay I am so sorry you are going through this experience. My hear breaks for you. I do know exactly what you are experiencing as my son was also in jail. In fact I was the one who had to drive him there to report for his first day – so I do know what it is like to cry hard and long. I wish I was there to give you the hugs that you need, but I will pray for you and your family in lieu of hugs.
Peace,
Noanie
All you can do is love him. This is a situation I am very familiar with, and I\’m so sorry you have to go through it. They have no idea how much it hurts those who love them.
Remember you are loved Kay. BIG HUGS, Steph
All you can do is love him. This is a situation I am very familiar with, and I\’m so sorry you have to go through it. They have no idea how much it hurts those who love them.
Remember you are loved Kay. BIG HUGS, Steph
Oh my God. Kay, I am so sorry you have to feel this pain. Knowing howI feel about my son, it gives me a tiny inkling of the horror of this situation.This will be over, and he will learn from it. Hopefully immediately. In themeantime, I will be diligently praying for the healthiest outcome for you all.You are, have been, always will be, an awesome mother. He has beenliving in the land of bad choices, that\’s all. He will return to you.. hang in. t
I\’m sorry, Ms. Kay.
I\’ll keep you and your #2 in my prayers.
You are a good egg. And so is #2, I know.
p
Ow. I\’ll pray for you and yours and you can pray for mine. I hurt for you, Kay. g
I can\’t add words any more wise than those already here. HE is grown, Kay..sorta…he is responsible for his behavior…it is no reflection on you. Just his ignorant youth.
The silver lining is the EdgyKay is deep within this young man and it will bubble to the surface someday. He\’s just gotta grow up.
Love and hugs to Kay and the Fates.
Oh, how gut-wrenching it must be. I just heard the other day that the self-restraint part of our brains doesn\’t fully develop until age 22 even though the risk-taking part is already in full swing at 18. That explains a lot to me.
I do know some pretty incredible adults who did some pretty stupid things in their day.
I hope the best for you and your #2.
Damn! This is the second worst fear of us moms with wandering kids- I\’m so sorry your\’s chose this road for himself. Just keep reminding yourself this happened because of his choices, not any supposed failure on your part, & keep loving him tough
Praying for you.
Oh Kay, wow. We, as parents can only do what we can do. We teach them what we know to be true and kick them out of the nest. We never stop loving them, but there comes a time when we have to sit in the bleachers and keep our mouths shut. They have to be held accountable, no matter how much it hurts. He loves you too, more then you know and he is as scared about his future as you are. Hang in there lady. You are strong. And you can still love him from wherever you are.J.
Hey kay. its tough to be a mother. but despite what he is he knows you are right and who knows maybe some part of him deep inside will respond to you someday. As long as he knows there is a place for him if he rights his wrongs there is always hope that he will one day return to the flock. In the meantime i think you are one hell o fa mother to keep going on the way you are. It cant be esay to breathe with a thorn stuck in your heart. Hugs hugs and more hugs.
Edgy – I read this shortly after you posted it and I had a whole load of things I wanted to say, which were more than I had clear in my mind at the time. I am so sorry for this sitution. I so know how these things come about from the kid\’s point of view – and speaking from experience I am deeply sorry that your ex is bailing the kid out. NOTHING did so much to keep me from a lot of worse mistakes than I actually made than the week I spent in the Fed in Washington DC long ago. To really have to deal with consequences of behavior where no one gave a shit if I lived or died – in fact, possibly given a choice would have preferred the latter. It is THE main reason I never got into drugs seriously in the 60s – I NEVER wanted to be in that place again. For the first time, I actually had it brought home to me that there was a world of folks who didn\’t give a flying eff if I was smart or had promise or whatever. And the degree of charm – such as it was – that I seemed to have possessed at the time, was more likely to get me raped than off the hook. NO punishment my folks could have devised could have had half the effect. But I understand your ex\’s thinking – the kid was in a place where he could be assaulted in so many ways, and it is hard to show love (or whatever) THAT tough and risky. There is no question that jail is a damn dangerous place. Which it would profit Gabe much to learn.I was remembering the intoxicating effect of first being away from home and falling in with exciting, daring people who actually seem to like me and think I was cool, who are not lifelong acquaintances or family. It is almost like being in love. Utterly thrilling. You do this, you do that. It isn\’t that THEY are a bad influence, or that YOU are, it is that fire and gasoline have met. When I first read this, I thought – well I never forged a cheque – and then I remembered I DID once. I didn\’t get caught – but happily, I did get caught for something else not much later, because I think getting away with a lot for a long time is habit-forming and numbing – and leads to thinking one is much cleverer than one is. I can hardly recognize the guy I remembered with that cheque-forging, because I am meticulous about my money dealings and have been for years – and was then if I knew the other person. But he magic bubble of my friends and myself just took away any thought of what would be the impact on others of things we did. Or on us. They liked me! I liked them! We owned the world. Then – crash!The hopeful thing here is that Gabe got caught so early on in his spell of \’independence\’. This might be the very best aspect of the whole sorry mess. He is likely to realize that he – or they – aren\’t nearly so smart – or immune – as he had thought. I deeply hope so. I do hope that no one will help him out if there is recompense to be made. It is not the other folks involved who are at fault for his mistake. It is the combination, of which he was an equal part. But among six people, at least one will have dimbulb parents who forbid their kid to associate with the others (because it is all the other kids\’ fault) – so he may have lost someone who may have become dear. I hope he sees it as a mess all around with no \’win\’ at all, because that is the beginning of wisdom.I am very sorry for what you are going through. I guess I am finally seeing what I must have been like for my folks. Some people have to learn the hard way, and obviously Gabe is one of them, as was I. The good thing is that many – most, I suspect -DO learn, and ten years later no one would ever imagine that they could ever have done any such thing; it is so out of character. Moreover, usually it gives an insight into how grey things are – people are not good or bad, and that\’s the end of it – as the witless so often seem to believe. Some understanding arises of how people get where they are. I think people can do much more good when they can at least imagine how the other person is thinking. Some of the nastiest older folks are those who never did anything the least wrong and have no understanding whatever of those who do – these folks are the least able to deal with a crisis. It is not to condone it, but to have some sense of reality, cause, effect and so on. It is a very tough situation totally, and you have my deep sympathy. I am hoping for the best possible outcome, and that this sad experience proves to be the lesson needed to straighten the way in the future.