Well, not phone calls, exactly. Text messaging. It used to make me crazy(er) to watch my sons’ fingers flying over the keypads of their cell phones.
"It’s a cell phone," I would remind them in my mommest voice. "You talk on phones. If you want to write someone, get some paper and a pencil!"
Then — as the young people are saying these days — I got hip. I got groovy. I got with it.
I began to text. Now I text like a maniac. There’s something semi-addicting about it. I love it.
But, like any good mom, I cannot bring myself to throw away (delete? whatever. it’s all the same, just different technology) some of the most entertaining ones. Much like the little glitter-and-macaroni-decorated Christmas ornaments I have collected over the years, these are sweet. Or sarcastic and funny, which is just a different kind of "sweet" in our family.
Here are some of my favorites:
#1 Son: How’s this for some irony: In my evolution lab of 25 people, there’s a midget. (not politically correct, I know, but he meant no harm)
Me: If it were real irony, there would be a monkey in your lab.
#1 Son: Touche.
#1 Son: I’m such a fag i just got chills when the captain sang the sound of music with his kids. (I’ve already covered his woeful misuse of punctuation and capitalization in a previous post. And his political incorrectness in the above example.)
Me: Wow. Merry Christmas to you, too.
#4 Son, upon expecting my arrival at a rural location: Please tell when approaching. If you would be a dear.
Me: Look outside, Knucklehead. I’m in the driveway.
#4 Son: So, I gather you’re here?
Me: So, do your turkey friends like thunderstorms? Or do they get scared? (posed to #1 Son during his employment at a local turkey farm)
#1 Son: They like the rain, but they like the heat more.
Me: Doesn’t the thunder scare them? Do they have ears? (always a quest for education. always.)
#1 Son: Not ears, exactly. More like holes.
Me: So, could you plug them if you wanted? Stick your fingers in them?
#1 Son: You’re gay. Now no more questions until my work is done. (political incorrectness AND impatience. shameful.)
Me: Guess what’s in my house right now?!?
#2 Son: I give up. (not even a guess; how rude!)
Me: Guess!
#2 Son: I have no time to guess i’m working you nutcase. (again with the poor grammar and impatience!)
Me: A tiny baby! He’s staying all weekend!
#2 Son: What child is this who laid to rest in TinyTown is sleeping? (he’s clever, isn’t he?)
Me: Alex! (a friend’s baby. I tell you, people just hand their kids over to me! It’s nuts.) You should come hold him!
#2 Son: I just told you i’m working.
Me: You’re mean to babies!
#2 Son: Nutcase.
#4 Son (after wrestling certification the first day of the season): Weighing in at 124 pounds, with a height of 5 feet seven inches, reaching up to 7 feet 3 inches! Jaaaaaaaack Fate!
Me: Sooooooo big!
#4 Son: {stretches arms up over head}
Me: That’s why you’re my favorite. You do marvelous things like that!
#3 Son (after walking to the bus stop): Dead crow on road. You should go see it. (our freak-show family is intrigued by dead animals. we often stop to look at them. and occasionally, poke them with a stick. is that weird? never mind. it is.)
Me: Where? Any apparent COD?
#3 Son: Corner of second and elm. What’s COD?
Me: Cause of death. Rookie.
#3 Son: Oh. I don’t know. It isn’t flat, though.
Me: Sweet.
#3 Son: My back is fricking killing me!
Me: Why? What’d you do to it? (medical-diagnoses-r-mom)
#3 Son: I don’t know. It just hurts.
Me: You should go sit in the hot tub. (medical-treatments-r-mom, too)
#3 Son: It’s called a spa, you peasant.
Me: I hope your legs fall off tomorrow.
And some of my favorite one-liners:
#3 Son: Ah, ist es ein mini-giraffe? (guessing the identity of his Albuquerque Zoo souvenir. he was right)
#4 Son: You should see my mighty mouse drawing. It’s beautiful. (it was)
#4 Son: From now on, I’d like to be referred to as The Honorable Sir Doctor General Jackson Haines Fate Esquire the Great.
Who have YOU been talking to lately?
Hi Kay! This is great entertainment! Thanks for taking the timeto type it out for us. I haven\’t gotten into texting.. don\’t have thetime, really. The conversations between you and your family makethe closeness you have enviable. (did I spell that right?) It alsoshows what an excellent mom you are. see ya..t
Man, you and your kids rock. I though my son and my witty banter was a cut above, but seemingly, we have nothing on you and your brood. So I gather you are here? Brilliant. My son likes to use one letter/symbol words. i.e, u, 4, 2, stuff like that, and my English minor self can\’t stand it. xxxooo-Jolie
my very very very favorite is the one where son #__ (too lazy to scroll back up to check) tells you, in response to your question about the COD of the crow, "It isn\’t flat." that makes me laugh and laugh. i like your kids, edgy kay.
You have fooled me in the past so I must ask – Is this on the up and up?!? Sure sounds like you and what I would imagine your offspring to sound like. You are a hoot, Kay. Bless you, g
How much of this texting was done while driving? I can only imagine how much wit must flow if you and the offspring actually speak to each other in the biblical sense, not that anyone seems to do this anymore. I do fear that the gift of intelligence that you seem to impart to your progeny can lead (as it has) to adventurousness and a quest to actually see what\’s out there. No good work goes unpunished. If is suspected that even once I would get texts of this quality, I might actually indulge in doing it – naw – who am I kidding? I could not confine myself to a comment that would squeeze itelf into the space available in texting for love or money; although the latter might certainly entice me to try.
perhaps we should pair your Good Doctor Esquire with my Diva Don\’t Tell me I\’m being Rude to you, Mu-ther (hard \’th\’ sound there), I\’m going to be Rich and Famous One Day and You\’ll Be Sorry\’.
three more days and i get to see wiz again.
Kay, i love to read about you and the gang. it keeps me knowing that my family isn\’t too far gone, tee hee or maybe we are. you are a great writer keep on blogging as i miss you when you have long holidays. take care kc
Wow, you must have the predictive texting turned on. I am too retarded (I too can be politically incorrect) for pt and too impatient to tap out very long messages. Usually it\’s something like \’Whr the H R U?
dearest kay,
this post just makes me love you all the more! seriously. we could run away together. someplace warm. i\’m thinking arizona.
you can bring your boys if you want. although that defeats the purpose of running away.
i\’ll even take your last name. \’cause it\’s cooler and is only four letters.
think about it and get back to me.
hilarious!!!
hilarious!!!
hilarious!!!
Don\’t the abbreviations drive you crazy? And lower case "i\’m"…UGH!
You\’d recognize me on the street? MOI?? Yippee – I shall text you next time I\’m north, and you try to find me…I CAN\’T WAIT!
I hope you\’re doing okay, darling Kay…my dad still asks about you – I\’m relieved you\’re not still MIA (though I might not tell him your family hobby involving dead crows!)