I used to be smart — I swear.

 

After the last few weeks (and in the interest of honesty in my writing and safety for my readers) I have decided to publish a short yet relatively thorough list of Embarrassing/Stupid Things I Have Recently Done That You Should Not — Under Any Circumstances — Do.

 

1. Drive away from the gas pump with the fully-operating nozzle still in the gas tank of your vehicle, even if you believe that your significant other has already returned the nozzle to its rightful home on the side of the pump, and you believe he is chatting with people inside the convenience store just to annoy you because he knows you’re in a hurry because your Emergency Responder pager is going off. Displaying your impatience with said situation is bound to end badly, mainly because this is TinyTown, and you will not even drive the three blocks to your home before everyone in the tri-state area has heard about it.

 

1a. Waste $3-a-gallon gas by fueling concrete, which does not require gas to do anything except burst into flames, which, fortunately, did not happen in this particular instance.

 

2. Shut the front door on your trailing shoelace while hurrying to your car to hurry to the ambulance shed to respond to a medical emergency. Again. It is no less humiliating — and results in a much more painful injury — than the first time it happened. Also, listening to someone repeat the story to everyone he sees ("I don’t know how, but she manages to slam the door before her shoelace clears the threshhold!") just never gets old. And the large, deep leg-lump and multi-colored bruise on your calf will keep you up at night, cursing your amazing door-slamming speed.

 

3. Break out your rusty, college-days Spanish to help mediate an alcohol-fueled family dispute to which you were invited solely via your association with the ambulance service. This is never a good idea, because you will inevitably say such things as "Your kitchen is raining!" or "Why is your cat sad?" You may also, while questioning the patient in your rusty, college-days Spanish, ask her questions like, "Esther! What is your name, Esther?" At which, to your credit, she will smile, gently tolerating your idiotic abuse of her native tongue. Also, listening to someone repeat the story to everyone he sees (as in, "Then your mother tried to get us all killed with her finely-honed mastery of the Spanish language…") just never gets old.

 

4. Use only the backs of your fingers in an attempt to scrub clean your fancy — and therefore, very sharp – cheese grater. This might happen as a result of the dishcloth slipping out of your hands at a most inopportune moment, or because you were doing the dishes while angry at your significant other, or a disastrous combination of the two. It will leave eight of the knuckles on your right hand bloody, then scabby, then strangely scarred, the whole while rendering them most unbendy. This results in a whole different set of problems, not the least of which is the inability to properly hold a curling iron, which may or may not be a really important thing in your life.

 

I have more, unfortunately, but a quick review of the list thus far makes me mad and sad and embarrassed, all at the same time.

 

If you learn from this, however, it will all have been worth it. Be careful out there.

 

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